Listening to Hammock - Gold Star Mothers, from Maybe They Will Sing For Us
Reading Death Comes to Pemberley by P.D. James
Resolved to fill this empty page.
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Sometimes a day starts off on the wrong foot, but in the end there can be simple joy. Today was one of those days. The kids were having an iffy morning, Aryeh screamed his head off for an undefinable reason as week walked through a shop (this doesn't happen often so I was kind of just trying to coast through the stress, screams, and stares of passerby's.) Kids were either falling asleep in the car at inopportune times or whining about nothing and everything. But after I picked up the Mister, I asked if I could have a little time off.
Off I drove to the bookstore and browsed, without stress. Rarely do I get such a treat! There was an air of things starting to turn toward a more positive direction and I decided to embrace it as best I could, shaking the doldrums away. When I got home, I gifted Aviva with her very first school backpack and she was ecstatic. Obviously she went around the house stuffing it with "school" like things. We sat down to watch "My Neighbor, Totoro" together. She told me how she wanted to be a mommy like me someday and that she would never want her children to runaway like Mei did because that would make mommies sad (the four year old runs off in the movie). There was magic in the movie, charming, bizarre scenes of trees growing on the spot and creatures flying on spinning tops, tears and summer rain, forest friends and all manner of things I love.
I kept tearing up while watching the film because these are the kind of memories I always said I wanted to give my children and that I used to try to give them. But somewhere along the way, I got lost in a cycle of stress and anxiety where the kids were concerned.
Shortly after the film, I happened across the blog gingerlillytea for the first time. I purchased a copy of Artful Blogging while perusing the crafty magazines at the bookstore. So many pages of inspiration! When I got hope and opened up to the first article, it was by Keri Anne from gingerlillytea. Her blog is centered around embracing and nurturing the lovely, enchanting side of childhood, finding the magic in all manner of things (which may as well be my own personal slogan, I love trying to find the magic in beautiful things as much as possible). Such sweet photos of picking fruit and dancing through fields on a sunset walk... Yet again I was reminded how I was losing my way and I was being shown that it is utterly attainable. I just have to shake off the anxiety and stress that I let cloud motherhood. Easier said than done, no?
But for these beautiful faces, I have to try.